17.9.13
I am probably one of the world's most self conscious people in the world. But then recently I realised that I really didn't need to worry so much before. I think it's a cycle, a spiral that keeps going around and around and around. The moment someone comments on your body, (for me at least), it'll stick around for a while. I'd sulk about it, I'd worry about it and eventually it'll get to me- I'd have my mind set around that comment.In ballet, posture is important- Tummies in, back straight and shoulders down. I remember in year 5 I had a trip back to China and as a kid, body image is probably the last thing that would cross your mind and eating and enjoying yourself would most likely be priority. Came back, gained weight but it didn't really matter to me. I've always had a flat stomach but it wasn't toned and I thought that meant I was overweight because the dancing teacher would always tell Irene and I to suck our stomachs in during ballet. I grew up with the mindset that I was a lot heavier than other kids when really it was only a 1-2kg difference because of height.
I can still remember back in year 7 and year 8 when Minnie and I were 900% self conscious about our body but we didn't know what we could do about it. Genetics wise mum and dad both have strong calves and after swimming lessons and ballet every week, I myself developed even muscular calves. Insecurity was probably the major emotion I felt throughout my junior years. I've always had chubby cheeks and that was another source of all the dissatisfaction throughout high school. Either way, comparing myself to everyone else (even now) just... yeah, no.
So recently I've been looking back at photos from year 7 and I realised that I really didn't have to worry at all. I was the average girl who didn't need such mind frames at all, someone who didn't need to go through all that. I think this is where society is to blame, and the lack of consideration people have when deciding what comments to make about another person. No one knows how other people will take the comments you make, whether good or bad, which is why we think twice before we say anything. But because some things people say to you are during times when you are most sensitive and most immature, we can take it the wrong way and sulk on it unnecessarily and for periods longer than expected. Even during the times when my waist was skinnier than Devina's, even when my formal dress fitted perfectly, even though I was under 50kg for 167cm, I still felt overweight.
But yes, I'm not going to lie, even after all this contemplation I'm still as self conscious as ever, it's something that has gotten to me over the past years and something I don't think I'll ever be able to let go of. People's comments still get to me, whether it's a two second spurt without any consideration or thought that it'll ever get to me, it still does. Not going to lie but I'll admit that a comment from Saturday, four days ago has still been on my mind and has still continued to bother me, even up until today.
I think it's even worse when it comes from someone close to you, which despite the proximity of our friendship, has no idea about this. This is also why I hate it when people observe things too closely. It makes anyone feel uncomfortable and unease is an inevitable consequence.
New holidays, new goals. I just want to look nice in my formal dress ^________^
